Autumn's diary
by Sugar Pumpkin
Summary: When you're born and raised SAMCRO, you do and experience things others could not begin to imagine. And when you fall in love, it's with the last person you'd ever expect to.


Autumn's diary.

Prologue.

AN: I do not own anything related to Sons of Anarchy (but I would LOVE to own Bobby!). And, if I delete another of my stories, feel free to send me a gigantic slap on the face!

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Love was not for her. She'd knew it since the day her best friend had died. Everytime she would love someone, they would be thrown in jail or worse; die. It happened with her father; now dead, her godfather; locked up in jail. She'd never tell anyone but she felt like someone had wished for her to never be happy. At school, she was alone, at home; alone, at work; alone. The only place she felt safe and happy was at the clubhouse. But even there, she managed to avoid people. She had two best friend: Opie Winston and Jackson Teller but she would never tell anyone. They were always there for her and, even if they were a bit older, they were friends. Jax and herself were tied by the loss of their fathers; Opie and herself by their lack of a mother.

Before he died, her father Wally Grazer, was the Sergeant-at-Arms, sitting next to John Teller at the table. But things change and it was now Clay Morrow sitting on the President's chair; Tig Trager by his side. Jax, Opie, Bobby, Piney, Chibs and Juice were completing the crew. They've always been nice to her, made sure she had everything she needed, found her a job at their porn studio, always protected her when times were rough. But everything she knew, she owned it to Gemma Teller-Morrow.

Gemma had taken care of her when her father had died; had thought her everything she needed to know about men and about the world. She had shown her how to act, how to talk, how to hold Charming in the palm of her hand. Gemma had always considered her like a daughter and had always wished for her to be the next Queen, to be the matriarch of the club, to be the one who would replace her.

But Autumn Grazer was not like Gemma. She did not like to lie, she did not like to manipulate people. The only thing she wanted from Gemma was for her to teach her how to get a respectable man. Autumn had never told anyone that she was dying to have someone in her life, someone to take care of, someone to treat like a King. All of Gemma's advises were useless because of her being alone all the time. With the years, she'd learn how to hide her feelings, how to shut down the voices coming out of her pounding heart when she liked someone. She was unable to say "I love you" to anyone, too afraid to hurt them with these simple words.

She'd had crushes on people but had never made a move. When she was younger, she remembered the crush she'd had on Opie. They were spending a lot of time together, at Opie's father's cabin. He would hop in her car and they would spend days together in the woods, away from everything. Opie had whispered to her "I love you" and, instead of saying it back, she'd went outside to escape. Days had passed since that and Opie was now married. She'd had crushes on boys at school but had never said anything about it. Because of her being SAMCRO, kids would whisper mean things behind her back and she would always be pushed away even by the loneliest kids who thought she was a freak.

People used to think that a SAMCRO woman would always attract tons and tons of men. They were wrong. She had the look and the tattoos but not the attitude. She did not walk around claiming that she was SAMCRO and that others needed to bow down to her awesomeness. Her father was like that, too. He had the patches and the cut but had never yelled out loud how much of a badass he was. It was irritating Gemma to see Autumn live that way.

She was only twenty-five, had dreams and wanted to do something with her life but could not find a way to leave Charming. The world was too vast and she felt like she would be lost without the Sons, without Gemma so she had always dreamed of leaving but had always remained where she was, too scared to lose everything.

It was also irritating for Gemma to see Autumn not being married. Autumn was the next generation of SAMCRO just like Opie and Jax. But they were married and had kids; she was single and did not wanted any child. Gemma had tried to make her understand that she had the ultimate power, something a Son could never have: she was a woman. Of all the SAMCRO daughters, she was the only one who had stayed. Chibs' daughter was in Ireland, Tig's daughters were far away from Charming.

There was two types of woman for SAMCRO: their family and the croweaters. The former were treated like royalties, the others like garbage. It was not that SAMCRO hated women, they just did not respect a woman who would offer her body to have a small glimpse of the true SAMCRO lifestyle. Even with her father underground and her godfather behind the bars, Autumn was family. She had earned a spot next to Gemma without asking for it.

It was one warm night that her heart started to bang violently inside he chest. At first, she'd thought that she was about to throw up. Her palms were sweaty, her heart felt like it was about to explode, her cheeks had turned red. But she did not throw up, she was not sick. She was falling in love. She was sitting on the couch inside the clubhouse, her legs underneath her, a mug of black coffee in her hands, her eyes on the man she had feelings for.

He was holding a beer, talking with Chibs at the bar, a croweater next to him. The croweater had placed her arm on his thigh, the other on his shoulder to show the other croweaters she'd claimed him for the night. People were all around her dancing, drinking, laughing. Just another typical SAMCRO party. But she did not hear the loud rock music, she did not see the men enjoying the presence of the croweaters. All she could hear was her heart, all she could see was him and all she could think of was: "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Everything separated them: their ages, their beliefs, their lifestyles, everything. She could not say when she started to have feelings for him, when she started to fantasize about passing her hand in his hair, when she thought about how it would feel to have his lips against hers. It had happened just like that. Or maybe it had started a while ago? Maybe her heart wasn't used to love anymore and that she'd ignored all the signs?

_Written to the sound of: Aviicii - Hey brother & Aviicii - Wake me up._


End file.
